Wednesday, July 13, 2005

Best Friends Forever

Okay. I know I haven’t written in here in a while. It’s not like I don’t have anything to write about. It’s just that I have soooo much going on, I can’t just ponder on one thing to make it interesting enough to talk about. So, sorry this post won’t be one of my good ones.

Some of the things that I’ve had to think about are (as you can imagine) my job, my finances for next semester. I have to find 4,000 dollars to pay my school. Because I’ve been there for so long, some of my scholarships/grants have run out. Oh, also my purses! However, the thing that has been occupying most of my time is relationships… VP and I are doing really good. But there are times when we aren’t. Because he is my very best friend, those bad times with him reminds me of my old best friend from high school and part of college (let’s call her RS).

RS and I were the very best of friends. We acted alike (our mannerisms), talked alike, some people even swore that we looked alike. We were close to the same complexion, height, and size. We met in the 11th grade and became fast friends.

I remember back then I was super protective of her. When ANYONE said anything bad about her – I was immediately defending her – I felt that they had said something about me. My over-protectiveness carried on to college.

I remember our freshman year in college, this girl worked with her in the library who was mean to her. I would go up to her job everyday the girl was there and hang around and roll my eyes and talk loud (yes I was one of those crazy, immature freshmen). Well, I didn’t care what anyone thought – no one was going to mess with MY best friend.

We had so much fun together. Our freshman year, we were coincidentally put in the exact same dorm on the exact same hall – right next door to each other! So, we did pretty much everything together – eating meals, going out – or just hanging around watching TV together the same little twin bed (snacking on something – eating was a passion we both shared with intensity).

That was freshman year.

Sophomore year, we were both RA’s (Resident Assistants) so we got split up, but we still hung out some. Well the end of sophomore year, without going in to detail (so not to share HER business – I don’t care about telling my own), we became enemies. Well, at least I was HER enemy. She told me that we could NEVER be close friends again. I didn’t understand because the thing that happened to make her so upset – I had absolutely no control over. But for some reason or another – she convinced herself that I did. At the time, I didn’t know that. I just thought that she was crazy or something.

But I was VERY hurt. I think it was because I didn’t know why… I felt that she was closer than a sister, then all of a sudden – she is taken away from me (by her own will). It didn’t make sense. I always thought that one day she would just call me up, and say: “I’m sorry, Ayana, for acting crazy– you know we will always be best friends” And then – BOOM just like that, we will be back the same. I even had dreams about this – well like 3 or so. But still – that’s crazy, I know. But finally I got over it. I still held on to the hope that one day we will be able to talk about what happened.

This was 3 years ago.

So, finally, this weekend I got my chance. Friday, I sent a message to her boyfriend on thefacebook – whose profile by the way says that he’s Single and looking for… everything. I thought that they had broken up or something. But anyway, she called me like 10 minutes later and we talked for like 30 minutes and decided to talk later that night. That night we talked for 3 hours. It was only superficial conversation, though. That day, we decided to hang out today (Wednesday) after I got off work. I had set it in my mind not to tell her about her boyfriend’s profile, but to let her see it for herself. She said that she hadn’t heard of thefacebook, which was really weird b/c practically EVERYONE knows about it.

However, Saturday VP and I were having some problems and it reminded me of RS and I. So, I decided to call her and ask her what happened. We did (that’s when I found out what she thought I did). But we also talked about what happened since then. She told me that her present boyfriend told her that I told him not to talk to her back then. I don’t remember that at all. For one thing, I don’t tell people what to do. So, immediately, I got defensive (here was something ELSE that would separate us) and remembered his thefacebook profile (which was at the tip of my tongue anyway – although I had decided not to say anything). I also remember one time when he called himself trying to talk to me and in the same conversation (after I told him – ‘no thank you’) I found out he was still trying to talk to her. But after I thought about it – I remembered that I did think she was crazy back then – so I may have tried to ‘warn’ him about her. But I am pretty sure I didn’t say “Don’t talk to her”. Anyway, I said all this in the conversation – and she responded to it like it wasn’t a big deal. And when we got off the phone – everything was still cool.

So the next day when I checked my thefacebook messages he said :

“you are dead wrong for what you did I trusted you and thought you were cool and I begged –(RS)- to call you cause I thought you two should be friends again and you lie on me like that. Thats messed up what did I ever do to you.”

I was SHOCKED! First of all I didn’t even remember that stuff – but when I did, I figured we could talk it out. So I called him (his cell # is on thefacebook). But he HUNG up on me! How mature – I and I said so on the message I sent back to him. But I also told him that if he ever changed his mind about calling me, he could.

He sent me back:

“Please do not call me or try to contact me thankyou.”

Oh, well.

I sent her a really long email and cc'ed him - apologizing.

I didn’t know how RS felt – since her b/f felt so strongly. I called on Sunday night – no answer and (to this day) no response.

Maybe it just wasn’t meant to be…


neci said...

O.K. first, know when to just keep your mouth shut. it seems obvious to me that RS can be easily led to believe something that may not be true about you and your relationship with her. and if she has been with this guy for a long time and she hasn't even spoken to you in 3 yrs. do you really think she wants to hear about his profile on thefacebook or that he tried to talk to you before from you? NO. it's college most boys do that anyway, especially freshman year, everybody's not like VP. you have to really learn where your boundaries are with certain people, you can't always say what's on your mind all the time, sometime there is a better opportunity waiting where it can be received by the other person and even though you guys WERE the best of friends it will never be like it was,know that. you don't know her, not in 2005, she has obviously grown in a different direction than you have. if you want to be close friends again, give yourself a chance to get to know her for who she is today, before you get up in her business, you may not even want to be her friend anymore. Slow down you have plenty of time.

Anonymous said...

Yeah! I agree with Neci!

Ayana said...

Hey Neci (Big Head),

I know that I shouldn't have said anything. I had actually planned not to say anything about it at all. It was just still at the tip of my tongue - and I got defensive - so it came out. I already apologized for it and everything.

But that part doesn't really matter (to me, anymore). I realized that the reason, I was holding on for so long was because I never knew WHY we stopped being friends. I thought that I actually did something to her that I should feel really bad about and apologize for. But now I know that I really DIDN'T do anything. And the problems that I thought were there were all in her mind.

So this non-reunion did serve a purpose. I feel like I got closure. You know how I am, I always want to be in the right - and if I am not - I want to get there. However, I can't get there if I don't know what I did wrong. But since I didn't do anything wrong - I feel relieved or something.

The friendship DID mean a lot to be - but I am surely not about to be playing no dumb games and walking on egg shells just to BEG the girl to be my friend. I am really not THAT pathetic (LOL). I already know that I was a really good friend to her (and those that know me know what kind of friend that I am).

Anonymous said...

This is Eboni. RS from high school? Hmmm...