No heart beat

That is what the ultrasound technician told me when she was checking my unborn baby.

E and I were trying to get pregnant again. I want 4 kids, so we figured we need to go ahead and work on it.

I got pregnant pretty quickly.

I went in to get an ultrasound on Friday. I wasn't expecting bad news at all. As far as I knew, my pregnancy was normally progressing.

When I was getting the ultrasound I could tell something was wrong. Usually, during an ultrasound the technician shows you the baby first. Then while you are oohing and ahhing over the pictures, she checks the other stuff. But this time, she went to the other stuff first. Showing me parts - I don't even remember the name of. I remember saying: So, where's the baby?

Then she shows me this little thing and calls it the fetal... something. Not even fetus. Then she asks me if I am sure about my last period. I knew something was terribly wrong. My period is like clockwork so I was pretty positive about it. Then she says she doesn't see a heartbeat.

I didn't understand. I asked: So, I am not pregnant? She said: No, you are pregnant. It may just not be a good pregnancy. What? What is a good vs. bad pregnancy?

Then she says that it looks like the baby stopped developing at 5 weeks and 1 day. But there was the small possibility that I got pregnant 5 weeks ago and got my last period day wrong. She said that the heart beat typically could take up to 5 and half weeks to be detected. She said that they may have me come in to the office after a week or so to check - and the doctor would give me more info.

I pretty much knew what the deal was. My baby was dead.

I went to see the doctor. He came in the room and said that I have 2 options. I could either take some medicine to have a 'natural' miscarriage. Or I could get a D&C - where they suck the baby out of me.

What? Whatever happened to waiting a week to check? I asked him. He said there is absolutely no chance that my baby is alive. There is no heart beat. 0%.

So I have to take an ACTIVE role in getting rid of my baby? I stopped listening. It was so hard to pay attention. Good thing E was there.

I do remember him saying that this is SUPER common. It happens to about 30% of all pregnancies. But I looked that statistic up and it happens to about 30% of women - not all pregnancies. But I could have misunderstood, considering I wasn't paying close attention to him. The relationship to pregnancies seem to be about 1 in 5.

I did some research on abortions for a school project and the D&C sounded too much like one. I knew I couldn't do that. So, I opted for the pills.

Only I could not make myself take them. It took a crap load of pressure from my mom and aunt. "You might get an infection", "You don't want to mess up your body do you?"

I was finally able to take them later on that night. It was awful. At about 1 am, I woke up to some strong cramps and feeling like I wet on myself. When I go to use the bathroom and get cleaned up, these humongous blood clots were coming out. I had also took this opportunity to wean Zekey. So, he was screaming his head off while I was in the bathroom purging my child. He was expressing my feelings exactly.

That first day was awful. But the next day was better. I have been keeping myself busy to keep my mind off of it.

So, I had been doing well, up until I decided to write this post. Now, I am bawling like a baby.

But, honestly I am not complaining. I have a lot to be grateful for, namely my BORN son - and our future children. :).