So I have finally entered the throes of the joys of pregnancy: neck like Flava Flav, splotchy face, swollen feet, bladder with the capacity of a thimble, and constant constipation.... Yep, it's a great time.
The doctors told me to drink more water. The lack of water is why my ankles are swollen and also why I keep having 'fake' contractions (more on that later). Okay, I'll drink more water. Yesterday I drank probably a gallon and a half of water. But remember the tiny bladder?
Yeah, I didn't either. I had to use the bathroom every 2-3 hours. Which got slightly inconvenient at 3am... and 6am. Especially with my stomach all up in the way. Do you know how hard it is to get out of bed with 10 extra pounds of weight on your belly (the baby weighs 7.3 pounds - and I am just guesstimating the fluids)? Really hard. And uncomfortable.
It gets especially uncomfortable sitting on the toilet. Which brings me to the absolute worst symptom of pregnancy: Constipation.
I am not the type of person that likes chillin on the toilet, anyway. Nope, no magazines for me, I am usually out in 30 sec or less. I have a system. I know when to go, how to sit, and when to push.
Well, having this big fat low belly puts a cramp in my system. I have to sit (sorry so graphic) with my legs open - which hinders the bowels from passing - which are rock hard, anyway. The torture of being so close, yet so far... I get chills, I start crying, I call my mom (she tells me to eat some grapes). But I am trying RIGHT now, mom - I can't get up. I meditate, I pray. Lord, please don't let me get hemorrhoids. Finally, I tell E to bring me the canister of Prunes. I eat 5 in a row. It works. But, the stools, the rock hard stools STOP up the toilet!
Can you imagine? Having these evil, wretched stools staring at you indefinitely after torturing you for an hour? Well, it sucks.
And so does the last month of pregnancy.