Wednesday, July 28, 2010

How to get (and keep) a Good Man.

So, not like I am an expert or anything - but some of my friends have asked me some advice on how to catch a man - or how I caught MY man. And this is some of the things that I have learned. Obviously, everyone's path is going to be different, but I hope you are able to use some of my advice!

1. Be 100% yourself, 100% of the time.
  • This may be harder than you think. It takes a while for you to figure out exactly WHO you are. It takes constant self-reflection, being open to new ideas, and being able to let go of things that are not true or important.
  • This does not include bad habits that you may have been practicing most of your life like: having an attitude problem, being self-absorbed, ignorant, etc.
  • For me, letting my hair go natural was a huge turning point in my life. It was the first time I was able to accept my hair. I also learned that the guys that are attracted to women who are comfortable sporting her natural hair (AND texture) - were less inclined to be superficial.
3.) Know what you want.
  • This may be the next hardest thing in getting your man. It is really hard to figure out what you want. It takes trial and error.
  • Don't put superficial qualities on your list. You DO need to be attracted to your man - but saying that you want him to be at least 6'3 and drive a Cadillac Escalade will definitely limit your options.
  • Do NOT date guys where you KNOW the relationship is going nowhere. I know, No one wants to be lonely - but you will be even more lonely if you keep dating losers. Just use that time to get to know yourself (it is really a never ending process).
  • Make sure you RESPECT him - and he respects you. If you think he does not know what he is talking about a lot of the time - you probably won't make for a healthy relationship. And if you think he is WAY smarter than you - and HE does too; that may not be a recipe for a good relationship, either. Both people should feel validated and able to contribute.
2. Get Qualified!
  • If there was a job you spotted and the qualifications were to be able to know some programming language, wouldn't you take classes to learn that language. Well, why wouldn't you do that for a man that you want? For example, LOTS of men love home-cooked meals. Why not learn how to cook, while you are looking for a man?
  • I once read in a book that pissed me off, actually, that women should lose weight if they want to find a man. Well, women come in all shapes and sizes - and your ideal size is probably NOT a size 4. But, a lot of women do weigh more (or less) than their ideal weight because of eating disorders, depression, ect. So, I guess this goes back to step 1, be %100 yourself (inside AND outside).
  • Keep in mind though, that whatever you do to GET your man - you should probably keep doing it AFTER you get him - so if you absolutely despise cooking - I wouldn't advise even learning.
3.) Go to where they are.
  • If you keep meeting losers at your favorite club, then try different places. I met my husband at work. Which worked for me. I know that I wouldn't respect a man (enough, anyway) unless he was really super smart - where else would I find him but at Ga Tech? And he is, literally, the smartest man I know.
  • But if you would rather your man NOT be kinda nerdy, then this obviously wouldn't be your ideal location to go man-hunting. Maybe it is really important for your man to be artistic - or at least appreciate artistic talent. Well, go to art museums.
  • If you want him to be business minded - go to business seminars and workshops.
  • If you want him to be very health conscious, join a gym.
  • But if you DON'T want your man to go clubbing every Friday and Saturday night, you obviously shouldn't look for men there. - Not that ONLY frequent club visitors visit clubs - but you are more likely to find a frequent club goer AT a club. Right?
4.) Avoid games at ALL costs.
  • This is a complete waste of everybody's time. When you play games (admit it), you are simply trying to manipulate people. Do you really think a "good" man will put up with this childishness? Do YOU want to put up with it?
5.) Do not listen to your friends! Sometimes not even your family.
  • For one thing, there are so many haters out there it's ridiculous. "Oh, you cook all the time? That wouldn't be me! I am not serving NO man" Hater. "Whhhhat? You let him get away with that? I WOULDN'T!" Hater.
  • For another, everybody's tolerance for certain behaviors are different - so everybody's relationship is going look differently. What is really important for me, may not be all that important for you.
  • And, do you really want everybody to feel like your man is perfect for them? I didn't think so.
So, I know this post was really long - I have been meaning to post it for a while. I hope that my advice can help you!


Ryan said...

A lot of what you say applies to getting a woman as well. :)
I thought I would add something, but it is a little difficult to explain. When looking for the perfect person for me, I realized that there was much that I needed to grow to be the perfect person for her. I dont mean that I had to change, I mean that I had to improve. I learned to love myself, trust myself and respect myself in the process. I wish more people would admit that they dont know everything, and learn from people like you. I get the feeling that you have realized this long ago.

BTW, i was bored, and followed a trail of bread crumbs from Wes's Facebook page to here. Pleased to meet you. :)

Ayana said...

Awww! Thanx for the comment Ryan! I put the same note up on facebook - but added Women to the title after someone suggested it.

Yes, I did learn - that I didn't know as much as I thought I did. It seems the more I learn - the more I realize how much I DON'T know! So, everything you said - I totally agree!

BTW, add me as a friend on facebook :). Yay for mutual friends! Wesley is one of the best of them. :).

RayJaa said...

I like that you pointed out being true to yourself and loving whoever that self is. And I also love the whole friend and family approval thing. B/c they only get 1 side of the story and we all know there is his story, her story, and the truth!