The Best

I definately care about what other people think. I know, I know “You shouldn’t care about what other people think. The only opinion that matters is God’s”. I give this advice, regularly. But the fact of the matter is: I care. Maybe, I have not had to deal with this fact because generally other people ‘approve’ of me and my actions – or at least as far as I can tell.

However, Saturday my lab partner (LP) called me a slacker – not in so many words – but a slacker, nonetheless. My feelings were badly hurt. Ok, I have been called many things – but slacker has NEVER been one of them. Maybe that is why my feelings were crushed. Or maybe I felt so bad about it because I knew I have not been trying my best.

It is true. He has been doing all the work. But it is not because I don’t want to contribute. It is because he does all the work. I know what you are thinking: that is circular logic. But, seriously, LP is a master: a perfectionist and a genius. He has been working in the engineering field for more than 20 years. No wonder (almost) everything I contribute is changed - for the better, of course. Our teachers ask HIM application questions. His coworkers refer to him as: ‘one of their top designers’ But he never got an engineering degree, so now his job is paying for him to attend school part time.

So, we meet every Saturday morning (at 7am), to work on the write up for the previous lab and the prelab for the future lab. However, these past few labs – he finished the prelab before I even got there. He has also done most of the writing for the lab write-up. His job gives him the convenience of using the full version of software at work or at home. So he is able to build the circuit in Pspice and generate the output graphs.

Correct me if I am wrong, but I thought that the purpose of having a lab partner is to work on the lab - together. However, every week, he does a significant portion on his own – then calls me a slacker for not doing the same.

I hate when people make excuses, but here I go: first of all, the lab is extremely hard. Second of all – it takes like 14 hours. I cannot see myself independently taking 14 hours out of my week to stress out on a lab that LP and I aren't going to use? - just so that I can say: We each did the same amount of work. No.

Now I don’t think that any one person should do all the work either. I think that we should divide they work and share the load. But LP thinks that by doing the entire thing by ourselves – we will get a better understanding, individually. Maybe, but I simply don’t have the time – nor motivation for that matter. I would have the motivation if it wasn't going to get done, unless I did it. But this is not the case. Not only will it get done - we will get a 100% on it.

So why do I feel bad because of what LP thinks of me? One thing: I always think of him as the type of guy I will be working with/for in the real world. If he thinks I am a slacker – there is a good chance others will later. When I go off to work –I want to be considered one of the company's top employee. I want to know everything there is to know. I want to complete all of my assignments early. But if I am a slacker…

That would really suck. I know that this experience is not deterministic of my future work experiences, but I would hate to ever be in this situation, again. My feelings are easily hurt.

In conclusion, I have learned from this experience to always try my best – even when it seems unnecessary.

EGO

Interviews are designed for show offs. You would think that a company would like to hire someone that is hesitant about tooting their own horn. No. They get you in a room of people and expect you to brag - about your accomplishments, about your personality - about what ever it is they feel is an asset to their company. And let the biggest boaster win.

I had a swanking contest yesterday with a fairly prestigious engineering firm. And although (as you can probably tell by now) I usually don't have a problem with discussing my accomplishments, yesterday didn't go so well. One engineer kept asking me (in my opinion) the dumbest questions. I am thinking that he may have had a problem with me correcting him when he got Pspice and PCB Express mixed up. I didn't really mean to correct him - I just didn't know what he was talking about... Anyway, that happens a lot in my field.

I work with mostly white, male, nerds. These guys were often the smartest kids in their high school - maybe even in college. They grew up with people telling them how bright they were. So, even though some of them may not have any social skills, they probably relied on their intelligence. I can understand why some would be slightly upset at a black, socially-astute, female who would dare correct them.

This problem also occurs in my classes. I am not able to study with certain people because they are so intent on being 'right' they don't want to look at their mistakes. It is very hard to study with someone if you have to argue about every problem. Fortunately, there are 3 or 4 other females in my classes that I can study with.

I know that EVERY guy isn't like this. As a matter of fact I met some guys (from my dream company) that are the complete opposite. These guys are highly competent and not at all insecure. They would sit and answer my questions for hours - and compliment me on my interest. This is the company I would like to work for.

Nevertheless, I guess I have to get used to the male ego if I want to continue to work as an engineer.

21

This should be your age when you take your first drink. This should be your age when you are able to buy a gun. This, however should never be the grade on your Electronics II test.

I was devastated. I thought that maybe my teacher's handwriting was so sloppy that I was reading the grade wrong. No, 21%. That was my grade. I may as well had not gone to class that day. After going back over it - I could have gotten an 11. He gave us all 10 points for a problem where he messed up the units.

21 on a test? I know you must be thinking I am an idiot. Really, I am not - well not when it comes to grades. I have never gotten this kind of grade on a test. Heck, I've never gotten a C in college. [I think I have in high school - but that is besides the point]. The problem was I did an entire problem that was worth 50 points on a scrap sheet of paper and didn't turn it in. I guess I am an idiot.

Luckily, when I told him the problem he took my test (with the newly found problem #2) and will regrade it. Now, the highest grade I will get is a C. Yipee.

I am not the only one that is being HAZED in the School of Enginneering. Apparently, every EE student has to go through this. I heard of this class before I even changed my major to enginnering. People pray for D's - and frame them! I think I will be one of them.

We'll see

Forever Single

I may never get married. I am only attracted to the wrong guys. I like guys with charisma - like my dad. Apparently, a lot of girls like this type of guy, but unfortuanately, this type of guy usually likes a lot of girls. And I have to admit - my dad is not hurting when it comes to women. (My parents are divorced.) He gets plenty of them.

I like the smooth talkers. I know that when a guy is talking smooth, he is probably talking trash. My dad is definitely a smooth talker. I have seen (and heard) him in action. Trash.

You would think that we women like the trash talkers because we actually believe what the guy is saying. That we believe that we really are ‘the one’ for him. That we really are the most beautiful girl he has ever seen. That he really is ‘developing some deep feelings for us. But now, I am thinking that is not the case (for me, anyway). I like the smooth talkers soley, because of the smoothness (trash).

And only if they really are smooth. I don’t like the “Hey, do you want a friend?” I am thinking: What are you going to base the friendship on – the fact that you are attracted to me? Some deep relationship that will be. Some guys just right off the bat, ask me for my number. “Ok, guy. Even though I don’t know you, nor anything about you – not even your name, but here is my home telephone number. I look forward to your phone call.” Yeah. Right. But, obviously, some girls respond to this. Otherwise, why would guys try it. Sorry, I am not one of those girls.

I like guys that walk with confidence, like my dad. Wherever he goes, people stop to speak to him. Why? He doesn’t drive a fancy car, he doesn’t live in a fancy house he doesn’t even have to be dressed nicely - but people are drawn to him - because of his walk – or shall we say: swagger. Well, it also could be because he is attractive. I may be biased, but I think my dad looks pretty decent for an old guy. He has a bald head and a white (or silver) goatee. In any case, people speak to him like he is a mayor - and he walks like it too. I am definitely attracted to guys with the swagger.

However, neither of these qualities are useful in a successful relationship. If anything these qualities can hinder a successful relationship. How can I grow with a guy that only wants to say things to make me feel good - and not be honest enough to tell me the ugly truth. And, if a guy has a pretty decent swagger, he is attracting a lot of women – that can not be good for the relationship.

Hence my conclusion, I may never get married, unless I change my taste or meet an upright-smooth-talking-swaggering-honest-to-goodness-Christian.

Metrosexual?

I called Godson yesterday. I am definitely not interested.

First of all, he has a country-gay-accent. It is an accent where he talks kind of soft, whiny, and country at the same time. I don’t know where this accent is acquired, but he is not the first guy that I’ve heard it from. I heard it from this other guy – who happens to have the exact same name – but totally different career and I lost interest because of it. Well, I actually never had any interest, anyway. I think this other guy – let’s call him Godson-twin, is from Alabama. But I don’t know where Godson is from. It doesn’t matter, I guess…

Second of all, he told me he is spoiled. I take this to mean that he is used to getting his way and expects it. It can also mean that he likes (and thinks it’s cool to be proud of liking to be pampered).Why is it that he thinks that this is attractive? I suppose some girls think it is attractive – otherwise why would he mention it as though it were one of his favorable qualities. Well, in my opinion - it is a very unfavorable quality. Why would I be attracted to a guy that is proud of people catering to him? For one thing - this is not very masculine. A real man would want to have things go his way – soley because his way is the ‘right way’ – not because people like him and want to make him happy. Being spoiled is a quality that is (or at least should only be) prevalent in small children – not in grown men. Children do not really know what the right way is – because they are not mature enough to understand, so they just want what they want. But a grown man? He should know (and want) better. Now, if I want to pamper a guy, then fine – but if the guy tells me he is pampered – it seems like he expects it.

Then he asks me what I like in a guy. I really don’t like this question. What is he going to do? Change to fit the description? Fat chance. So what do I like in a guy? There are only 2 qualities that are really important to me. The first quality is that the guy has a fairly good walk with God. If I am going to have someone close to me- they should be trying to follow God as much or more than me. I know that I can slip up by myself – but I am I going to be hanging around someone who isn’t going to help me. Now I know that no one is perfect (including me) – but the effort is very important. The second quality is dependability. If a man cannot stand by his word – I cannot respect him or his words. That goes for me too, I try my best to do what I say that I am going to do – and I expect for the guy to do the same. Now once a guy says he is going to do something (as simple as call me back) – and doesn’t do it; For no apparent reason? I immediately lose interest in him. Those are the only two qualities that are extremely important to me. I am not so hard-nosed about other qualities – as long as the guy is himself (I can tell – as well as the rest of the world if someone is putting on a front), I am happy.

Then when I am done listing all these qualities, he says, “You didn’t ask me what I liked” . Probably because at that point, I wasn’t extremely interested, besides – I think that it is not important that I know. If he likes me, and I like him then that is all that matters, right? But I go ahead and ask, anyway. And he says he likes the girl to be dependable, also then he starts saying that he likes to get manicures and pedicures... Then, not quite understanding what he is talking about, I ask him to repeat himself. He said that he gets a manicure every 2 weeks and a pedicure a few of times a year. Well, he did, say that he is spoiled (i.e. he likes to get pampered), but it still took me by surprise. He then started talking about spending quality time with a girl and getting his nails and feet done with her. Whatever…

Now I have to find a way to break it to the lady at work that I don't like her godson because he is more feminine than me.

Update: Godson is from Alabama!

The Law

Ok, today is the second day into my start-back day; and it is going pretty well - I guess. I am so tired of messing up EVERYDAY! I mean, what is my problem? Can't I just go just one week sin-free? It is not like I am a new Christian or anything. I have been saved since I was two. You would think that a 'mature' Christian could go two whole days without messing up - or at least not messing up in the same area. *sigh* I know what you are thinking - if I were so mature - I would know that EVERYONE messes up... Even me.

Fortunately, I did study today. I was feeling pretty discouraged this morning. I was trying to read Galatians - but my mind kept wondering off. I was reading it because my uncle told me to when I was trying to find something in the bible that says that Christians are not obligated to follow the letter of the Law.

Ok, I will start from the top. There is this guy at my job who is Jewish- and saved, i.e. a Messianic Jew. Let's call him JC (for Jewish Christian). For those of you who do not know what a Messianic Jew is: a Messianic Jew is a person that is from Jacob's line and believes in Jesus (a.k.a. Yeshua).

So, JC and I were having a discussion on Friday about whether or not Christians are supposed to follow the Law. Now, something in me KNEW this had to be wrong. First of all, I was always taught the opposite. Second of all, there are like a ton of Laws in the Old Testament - I sin enough as it is if this is added to the list - I am going straight to Hell. [No, I am only kidding I know that as long as I accept Jesus as my Lord and Savior, I won't go to hell.] However neither of these reason are enough to disregard his statements. I had to go find proof (that I am right or wrong).

So, what did I do? I called my uncle. My uncle (as far as I am concerned) is a human concordance. Whenever (well, most of the time) I have a question about something - he has already studied it before and can point me to the place in scripture where it is talked about. However, like a concordance, he rarely EVER gives me a straight answer; he only gives me the scripture to read. This can be frustrating at times, but I know it is good for me...

Anyway, my uncle pointed me to two scriptures in Galatians: Gal 2:11-15 and Gal 3:24-25. This is what started my reading in Galatians this morning. However, while I was reading it, my mind was wondering - and I felt guilty about not being able to pay attention. I mean, if you think about it - this is the only thing on earth that God requires every single one of His children to read and study- that gives us direct insight into His will - and I am not even interested?!? WHAT is
my problem?

So when I got to work, I was ready to show JC my new found knowledge. When I showed him the first one: Gal 2:11-15, he said that Cephas (or Peter) never really ate with the Gentiles - then he said that the Gentiles that were Christians ate kosher. I couldn't argue with him [even though he used two arguements that contradicted each other] because it does not say explicitly that Cephas at pig feet and crab legs. We only spent about 5 minutes on those verses.

Then I directed him to Galatians 3:24.

Then he directed me to Romans 3:31. Romans 3:31 in the New American Standard says: 'Do we then nullify the Law through faith? May it never be! On the contrary, we establish the Law.' So we looked up establish and it means to: abide, appoint, bring, continue, covenant, establish, hold up, lay, present, set (up), stanch, stand (by, forth, still, up). And I was stumped for a minute. But instead of being hard-nosed in my approach (which is what I usually am) - I tried to understand what he was saying, why he was saying it - and why it is wrong (if it is even wrong). Keep in mind - HAVING to follow the Law is the last thing I want to believe. So keeping an open mind was pretty difficult - but it was worth it in the end. Because all scripture is inspired by God - I had to think about Gal 3:24 AND Romans 3:31 at the same time - because one cannot contradict the other. The more I thought about it - the more it made sense (and I was actually interested and paying attention). If the Law was a tutor (or schoolmaster) that we were under in order to get closer to God, then of course it is not nullified. If you think about it, your Algebra teacher was there to show you how to do math - once you learned it - you didn't need her anymore. And it is ridiculous to stay in her class once you've gotten a degree in Math. Although you still follow her teachings (i.e. still follow God), you don't need to stay in her class (follow the letter of the Law). The teacher is good (the law is good) -it is just unnecessary to continue to take the exact same course.

So, although JC didn't agree with me, I felt good in actually coming to a deeper understanding. Now if all of my personal bible studies were like that...

Start Back Day

I know what my problem is - I haven't been reading the bible consistently.  Whenever I feel myself pulling away from God, I should just stop and ask myself, "Have you been praying", "Have you been reading". So today is my start back day.  I am going to start back reading the bible everyday (and praying too).  I know what happens - I start reading - then I get to a point where I don't know what to read - so I just don't.  Then if I am not reading - of course I don't pray.  So if I am not reading or praying I am not thinking about God.  So what do I think about?  Guys.  I don't know why I think about guys.  There aren't any (for me) down here.  Well at least I haven't met any.  Yet and still - they seem to get me in trouble. 

Speaking of guys, this lady from my job is trying to set me up with her godson.  Me, get setup?  I don't know about that. Maybe it is because of my ego.  I like to believe any guy (under the right circumstances) would like me. So, before I decide who I am going to like - I see if the guy likes me first.  That way if a guy doesn't like me - I could just say, well, I didn't like him anyway.  Or he already likes someone else.  If I get setup - my process is all messed up.  We have to see if we like each other... at the same time.  What if the guy says - she is too skinny.  First of all I am NOT skinny - I am 5'7 and a half and 145 pounds.  I wear a size 9/10 for goodness sakes.  Skinny girls wear a 5 and below. But that is beside the point - in some people's eyes - especially the eyes of people at work - I am skinny. - No question about it.  According to them, I am also going to get fat in about 10 years (with the way I eat). I must admit - I do eat pretty good for a girl.  My 6'6 brother came here to visit me and to see the Ricky Smiley show the other week and I made some chicken wings.  I think I ate about twice the amount of wings he ate.  I couldn't help it.  I love fried chicken wings - especially the little drummets.  But I work out.  Well, that is what I tell people at work.  If you call running for about 10 minutes, doing about 60 crunches, and doing a couple of arm curls about once every couple of weeks - working out...  I know, I know, I am going to get with the program.  But I get so bored in there.  I need a workout buddy - or one of those ipods.  But they cost like 100 bucks.  With the way I am spending money lately - it wouldn't be out of character to buy it.  I LOVE to shop.  Especially for things for the house.

But I am going to do better - starting with praying and reading my bible everyday.   Emphasis on every. I am also going to stop spending so much money - I am going to make a budget and stick to it.  It is hard to budget when you use credit cards for everything.  Ok, I know what you are thinking Credit Cards for everything!  She must be in crazy debt.  But I am not.  I usually pay them off when the bills come.  I don't know about this month.  It may take 2 months to pay it off.  My interest rate is only 2.9% so it will be okay.

I am also going to stop eating junk foods.  It is just that they work me so hard at school - I don't have time to eat.  So I have to eat fast food more than I would like.  I don't even like fast food - I would much rather cook.  I don't like to eat at restaurants either - except for Papadeux's.  This is my favorite restaurant.  Apparently, everyone else's too.  Every time I go there is at least an hour's wait.  I don't care. I will wait. It is just that good.

I am going to workout at least 3 times a week, too.  And I mean really workout.  I will be in the gym for at least an hour on Tuesdays, Fridays, and Saturdays.  And if I miss a day - I will go on another day.

Vanity

Is it vain, to devote an entire website to myself..? to assume that someone, anyone would be interested in my opinions, so much so, that I would pay to have them displayed?  Maybe.  I have been called that before, conceited too.  I admit I do believe that I am attractive.  And if a guy called me unattractive, I would think they were just trying to be funny. Except for white guys.  I have very high self-esteem when it comes to black guys.  But I don't know about guys of different races.  I guess it is because If the guy is attracted to a skinny, blond-long haired girl who wears a size 0, I am not the one. First of all, I have locks, needless to say, they are not blond.  Second of all, I am also not a size zero.  I may have been a size zero when I was in 5th grade - but not today.  So if a guy is looking for a skinny, blond-haired chick - I am not the one.